I try to be pretty professional and keep most of my snarky opinions to myself, but today is not that kind of day.

I also try not to use the phrase “omg, I literally can’t even.” But seriously… I really just cannot even.

Several years ago at this point, I was approached by an old coworker who said something along the lines of:

“Hey, we’re selling Beach Body now. You have a ton of female clients who would buy a ton of it! We’re making a killing and so will you! Let me know if you want to chat more about it.”

Me: “You know I don’t believe in that sort of stuff.”

Him: “Neither do I, but I believe in making money. Don’t you?”

I will never forget that last line.

We haven’t spoken since.

However, I have been approached a number of times by a number of women on his “team” asking me how I’m doing, and if I want to catch up and grab a coffee sometime to hear about their “omg so awesome business opportunity.”

I’ll pass.

And despite my grandma’s warning, my eyes haven’t gotten stuck this way.

The number of people I see on social media each day posting about how they are some sort of a health/fitness/nutrition coach makes me physically ill to my non-shakeology filled stomach.

What the actual fuck?

The problem is that these women and their followers are none the wiser.

Women are so fucking desperate to lose weight that they’ll do anything.

So you see your friend post about her “omg so awesome results!” and they ask you if you want in on their dirty little secret. OH! BUT! For a low entry cost of $49.99 (or whatever it is) you can be a coach and you get a discount on all my weird shake shit that I sell you and THEN!! OMG AND THEN! You can sell it too AND MAKE MONEY!

So, wait… are we trying to help people get in shape or are we trying to make money?
I’m confused.

Here’s where I get butt hurt about the whole fucking thing-

I spent 4 years studying Kinesiology. After those four years, I have spent thousands of dollars and countless hours furthering my education in both strength, conditioning, general fitness, psychology, & nutrition, not to mention the 2 years of absolute torture getting my MBA. I am currently a part of a fitness mentorship program that costs me hundreds of dollars each month, and my next certification will cost me close to $2k. (Shameless plug for those of you upset that I raised my prices- you get what you fucking pay for- and I’m still super undercharging, considering quality fitness professionals are charging a well deserved more than $100 PER HOUR. You’re welcome.)

I have coached hundreds of women over the past 9 years- and even hundreds more over the past 5 years in business. Yes, literally hundreds.

I currently work with almost 50 different women exclusively online for their nutrition and fitness, and spend almost every waking hour at the warehouse.

But, for a low barrier entry of $whatever.99, you too can become a coach!

No experience necessary!! Just do these cookie-cutter DVDs, post about them,
drink your shake, and get people to buy them from you! You’re such a good coach!

I get it- people have lots of desires to look better, lose weight, and make a ton of fucking money.

But this shit has got to stop.

And I’m not just talking about Beach Body, I’m talking about all of the other companies that do the same shit- and there’s a TON of them.

“Buy this tea from me and lost 5 pounds by Friday!”

Really? I think my eyes WILL get stuck this way, sorry, Grandma!

I think my most favorite is when your newest pyramid-scheme coach is also overweight and has no idea how to workout unless they’re following along some Country Music
Fitness DVD. More power to ya, sister- but that shit ain’t gonna work forever.

But hey- there’s hundreds of them out there and there’s a sense of purpose amongst a community so why the hell not?

Beach Body and all of the similar companies perpetuate the problem that I am hell-bent on abolishing:

“21 day fix!” makes it seem like your dream body is 21 days away. For the record: it’s not.

“3 day cleanse” makes it sounds like you need to detox and cleanse your body. For the record: if you have kidneys and a liver, they do this for you daily- save your fucking money.

Then there’s that company called “It Works” which should be called “It doesn’t fucking work” Where you pay money to wrap parts of your body in essentially Saran Wrap and “omg without any effort whatsoever you’ll lose weight!”

Yep, because more than 50% of Americans are overweight, about 30% of Americans are obese, but we’re just on a shortage¬†of Saran Wrap! Darn.

All of the money sent to these companies is for nothing.

You, as the blind, desperate consumer, will continue to waste your money and spin your wheels working on losing those 20 pounds you’ve hated for so long. Womp womp.

What are you supposed to do when you run out of the shakes you’re buying?
Buy more. DUH!

What are you supposed to do when you’re sick and tired of doing stupid ass line dancing to a DVD in your living room and OH WAIT! realize there’s no progression and it’s definitely not going to tone your legs? Buy another DVD with the same dead-end effect.

Sure, maybe I’m the idiot and there’s a slew of rich Beach Body and Pyramid Scheme coaches reading this as they count their stacks of cash. But I have a hell of a lot more integrity than to mislead people to buy into some company and their products that aren’t going to help them long-term.

You need to learn how to eat without relying on a shake out of a bag.

You need to learn how to eat without weighing your food into color coded containers.

You need to learn how to move without having to watch a damn DVD.

If you want to “look toned”, you’re going to have to lift some relatively heavy weights.

If you want to lose those 20 pounds and keep them off forever, you’re going to have to learn how to eat even when you’re on vacation and don’t have your precious containers or your bag of overpriced powder.

Why are all of these coaches needing to get “back on track” every Monday?
Shouldn’t there be a way to eat where you’re not either “on track” or “off track” all of the time? Oh wait….

And I don’t know about you, but knowing that there’s no fitness coaching or education requirement to get started trying to help others on their quest to losing weight kind of seems like asking Stevie Wonder to help Hellen Keller cross the street. Where’s the third blind mouse when you need him?

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