I wasn’t going to post this.
I’m not one to air out every single personal thing about me. I’ve been going back and forth, weighing out the pros and cons of being so open and honest about my health. But how can I run a health based company and hide something that effects every single thing that I preach about?
I had a less-than-stellar doctor’s appointment on Friday. One that left me annoyed and frustrated when I thought I was past that stage of all of this.
Then I had an awesome 3 mile run this morning that made me feel like a bad ass.
And then this afternoon I was slammed with dizziness, fatigue, and serious behind-the-eye pressure. But that is my life. That has been my life for a long time now, and I didn’t realize there was actually something wrong with me until about last August/September. I don’t even really remember.
About a year ago is when I realized that my hair was falling out, and it took me a few weeks to finally do something about it. It took the doctor’s even longer to run enough tests to come up with what was going on.
I’m sharing this story with you so that you can see me as a human instead of just this clean-eating, exercise machine.
I’m sharing this so that you can see that I feel like shit on a regular basis and the hardest part of my day is getting out of bed- my body and head is full of concrete almost all of the time.
But I push on anyway.
Days like today happen.
When I wake up feeling great, there is no lead in my body.
I work out without a hitch. And then my body starts to slow down and feel heavy.
It is not because of what I eat, or don’t eat, or what I do, or don’t do– it just happens whenever it wants because this is what an autoimmune disease does- whatever the hell it wants.
Drinking alcohol in large quantities makes it worse- so much worse- so I don’t do that anymore.
Staying up past when I’m tired makes it worse- so I try not to do that anymore either.
My body almost never wants to workout- it is always tired and feels slow- but I workout anyway because my mind wants to.
A lady at the gym asked me one day “aren’t you ever tired?” as I was throwing weight over my head and doing box jumps and rowing like a maniac- as usual. I so badly wanted to say “you have no idea” but I just said “not really” and kept on moving.
I don’t talk about this to people. I don’t want to have a weakness and I don’t want to give my weakness power by talking about it or focusing on it– but it is very real, and it is a part of my every day life.
I don’t allow room for excuses. I listen to my body within reason and I rest when I need it.
There are times I cannot physically get off of the couch and there are times when it just takes a lot of effort.
I do not, for one second, take any energy that I have for granted. I just so happen to choose to expend a good amount of that energy for my workouts.
Even now, as I sit here, I have searing pain in my head and neck- something that just happens from time to time because of this.
It could be worse.
My body still allows me to run. To deadlift and squat more than my body weight. To do pull-ups, maybe only 2 or 3 at a time, but it happens. My body allows me to shoulder press 95 pounds, and sometimes 105 if I’m extra energetic that day.
It allows me to overhead squat, and snatch, and clean.
I can do a respectable amount of regular pushups in a row.
I have managed to beat my 5k time, over and over again. Sometimes, I’m the fastest person on the track at the gym. Sometimes, I’m not.
My body doesn’t respond to diet. Any kind of diet. My body doesn’t change when it is exercised.
But I am strong and getting stronger.
I am faster than I was before and getting faster.
I am human, I am tired, and I am pushing on anyway.